The down side of perfectionism
You've heard of perfectionism before - but it isn't just someone who keeps things tidy or a high achiever.
While perfectionists may seem like they have it all together on the outside, underneath it all are often beliefs about not being good enough or an intense fear of failure. I didn't realize how much research there is on perfectionism but once I started reading - I realized that I'm definitely a recovering perfectionist.
Having my sense of worth tied to external achievements and validation meant I was also putting pressure on myself to achieve, felt guilty when I needed to rest, experienced significant anxiety about making mistakes or failing, and relied on external validation for happiness. Essentially - it felt like I didn't have control over my own life. I am still working on myself and will continue to do so for the rest of my life - so I wanted to put together some educational content and tips to work through perfectionism. I hope you find them helpful
Healing is a journey not a destination.
The model of perfectionism:
The root of perfectionism is that your self worth is tied to external achievements. You want to feel good about yourself. So you set standards for achievement. However, these standards are often unrealistic and inflexible. Further, thinking traps (cognitive biases) and perfectionistic behaviours also play a role in perfectionism. See this diagram below:
Reference: Kothari, R., Egan, S. J., Wade, T., & Shafran, R. (2016).
Cognitive biases sound like:
Our thoughts and assumptions are not always real. We often fall into thinking traps that trick us into a certain way of thinking. Some common thinking traps in perfectionists sound like ...
Dichotomous thinking:
"I'm such a bad person"
"I never do a good enough job"
"She's always doing better than me"
"When something is out of place in my house, it's dirty and a disaster"
*REMEMBER: The world is not black and white - there is much more grey in between. Sentences that include the words "always" and "never" are hints that you may be thinking in black and white.
Selective attention to failure:
"That doesn't count" (when speaking about your successes)
"They are just being nice because they feel bad for me"
"Anyone could have done as well"
"I can't believe I did so poorly" (while ignoring the positives)
*REMEMBER: Just because you are focused on the negative, doesn't mean the positive doesn't exist. You may be filtering out the positive.
Rigid rules and assumptions:
"I have to be the best"
"If it's not perfect, then I'm not going to submit the work"
"I need to get everything right or I'm a failure"
*REMEMBER: Perfect doesn't exist. You are good enough.
These thinking traps can make you feel more anxious, pressured, and nervous. As a result, you may engage in "perfectionistic behaviours" like:
Excessive checking and excessive time spent on tasks:
You may also be tricking yourself into thinking that what you are doing is productive - but it may actually be a subconscious form of procrastination.
Or the task may feel so overwhelming because of your rigid standards and expectations, that it leads to full blown procrastination and avoidance.
Whether or not you "achieve" your goal or not - you will find ways to beat yourself up. You may criticize yourself for procrastinating or not meeting your standards. You may also meet your standards and then discredit yourself or raise your expectations. Either way - you make yourself feel bad and try to compensate for those bad feelings AGAIN by trying to be a bigger perfectionist. It's a vicious cycle.
There are a few things I invite you to try:
1) Do some self reflection - how many of these thinking traps and rules do you resonate with? What other ones have you noticed. Spend some time tuning into your automatic thoughts - awareness is the first step towards healing.
2). Reframe some of these thoughts and assumptions. Our thoughts fuel or emotions and actions so challenging and restructuring thoughts can help us step back from perfectionism. Next time you notice a sudden shift in mood, determine what thought you were just having. Did you fall in a thinking trap? How would you talk to a friend? You deserve to talk to yourself this way too.
3) Work on self love. Work on validating your self worth and loving yourself without relying on external achievements and validation. I used to keep a compliments journal. Every time someone said something nice to me or I accomplished something, I wrote it down. This may sound counterintuitive but when we get down on ourselves, we want to dismiss everything we've done. So re-reading this book helped me develop a stronger sense of self love and confidence instead of trying to achieve more or seeking reassurance as a coping response.
4) Try to relax your standards even a little bit. Often - we hold onto our standards because we believe that something terrible will happen if we let go of them. Well, try an experiment. Do something "not perfect" - even if it's leaving a small spelling mistake in an email. Then, determine whether or not your worst case scenario does come true. Chances are - you'll be okay! Humans make mistakes and that's okay.
Book of the month
(I wrote a book!)
I'm so excited to be able to finally share that my book is coming out in a few months! This Book is a Safe Space is packed with research-based therapy strategies and exercises to help you improve your mood, decrease anxiety, be kinder to yourself, and have a better mindset. To learn more about the book - check it out here!
Monthly Journal Prompt
My best journaling is done after yoga or a meditation session because everything quiets down so I can hear my intuition and higher self. For this month's journal entry, let's focus on perfectionism. If you don't have time to journal or you're going to forget about this email after reading it - PAUSE - I invite you to do some self-reflection right now
If I make a mistake, it makes me feel ...
If I make a mistake, it means this about me ...
When I fell short of my goals in the past, I experienced ... and recevied these types of messages from my family/society/friends ...
To be perfect means to be ...
The pressure I feel to be perfect comes from ...
If you find journaling hard - that's normal. Write freely without caring about the way it reads because after all, they’re your own private words for you and you only.
Journaling can also provide you with many interesting insights about yourself, which is helpful because awareness is the first step towards healing.
Thank you for showing up for yourself.
Love,
Amy Tran aka @doodledwellness
