What the heck is intimacy anyways?
Hi friends! Long time no talk.
I’m sending some loving energy your way and wishing you the best for the start of 2022 🔮
If you’ve been following me on Instagram, then you know one of the topics I focused on in January was healthy relationships and intimacy. I love the topic of intimacy and making connections between how early parent-child interactions influence our attachment styles (AKA how we show up in our romantic relationships).
Anyways! Thinking about intimacy so much reminded me of the 3 types of intimacy.
Physical intimacy can include:
Expressing love through physical touch.
It feels safe to have a desire to touch.
Things that help build physical intimacy
Doing relaxing activities together like stretching, yoga, and meditation. Being in a relaxed state together will help you both feel safe and connected.
Exercise together or better yet - join the same sports team. Doing something active together puts you both in a physically raw state (think sweating, panting, tackling, etc.) that can be bonding.
If intimacy is uncomfortable for someone, start small such as prolonged hugs and holding hands while taking a walk.
Ask each other where to touch and with how much pressure.
Sharing things you enjoy or don’t enjoy during physical intimacy.
Things that break physical intimacy
Not asking your partner about their needs, wants, and pleasures (lack of reciprocity can damage all relationships).
Physical intimacy only shows up during/to initiate sex.
A partner feeling unsafe.
A partner feeling ashamed or judged.
Emotional intimacy can include:
A connection that leaves partners feeling understood.
Partners are curious and make an effort to understand each other’s perspectives.
Partners feel safe and accepted while being vulnerable.
Partners are in tune with each other’s emotions.
Things that help build emotional intimacy
Listening and validating each other’s emotions. Feeling like you understand each other will make you grow closer.
Encouraging each other to share about, and express, your authentic self.
Compliment or encouraging each other.
Being curious about each other’s experiences. Instead of making assumptions, ask for clarification.
Sharing your true feelings and fears. If this is challenging for you, start by sharing your true feelings about small things (e.g., you actually didn’t like the movie or food)
Things that break emotional intimacy
Judging or shaming each other’s feelings.
Invalidating each other (“Oh it couldn’t have been that bad”).
Jumping to problem solving rather than listening and asking what your partner needs.
When a partner is not comfortable talking about feelings.
Intellectual intimacy can include:
Conversations feel effortless and satisfying
Feeling safe to share authentic values even if it offers a challenging perspective.
Alternative perspectives are openly discussed and respected.
Conversations lead to an expansion of perspective.
Things that help build intellectual intimacy
Partners feel safe to share their true opinions.
Different opinions are respected and partners feel listened to.
Being open to having your beliefs challenged and listening to new perspectives.
Things that break intellectual intimacy
Partners do not feel heard (shutting down, dismissing each other, talking over each other).
Disrespecting, judging, or shaming each other’s perspective.
A partner feels the need to be right or expects their partner to share the same beliefs.
So now that you know that intimacy is multi-faceted, which area do you struggle with most? What do you want to work on first?
Talk some time to self reflect.
You may even ask your partner about their own intimacy (if it feels safe to do so of course)! This may be something you can both explore and work on together.
Book of the month:
A VERY empowering book. It helps you learn about attachment styles in adulthood and see how your underlying program influences your romantic relationships. Check out these glowing reviews!
Podcast of the month:
Last month, I met Shannan Jackson when I guested on her podcast A Healthy Push. Shannon shares strategies she used during her journey with anxiety and panic attacks so definitely check out her podcast and IG if you want more content about anxiety!
During our episode, we had a vulnerable conversation about intergenerational trauma, anxiety, and alcohol. It comes out in March and I’m super excited for you to listen to it so stayed tuned into my IG stories for an update 🙏🏼
Monthly Journal Prompt:
My best journaling is done after yoga or a meditation session because everything quiets down so I can hear my intuition and higher self. For this month's journal entry, let's focus on both anxiety and intimacy (TW: tuning into bodily sensations while thinking about intimacy). If you don't have time to journal or you're going to forget about this email after reading it - PAUSE - I invite you to do some self-reflection right now 🔮
When I think about physical/emotional/intellectual intimacy, I notice that ….
I notice this feeling in this part of my body ....
This feeling is saying to me ....
My worries are saying to me ….
Some of the things I do to protect me from the fears are ...
I think my fear may come from …
Instead of giving into my fear, one thing I will choose to do instead is ….
My past may have hurt me but I will remind myself that I am living in the present now so ….
If you find journaling hard - that's normal. Write freely without caring about the way it reads because after all, they’re your own private words for you and you only.
Journaling can also provide you with many interesting insights about yourself, which is helpful because awareness is the first step towards healing.
And that's all from me for this month's newsletter. If you enjoyed the information in this newsletter today, visit me here on Instagram!
Thank you for showing up for yourself.
Love,
Amy Tran aka @doodledwellness
